"The Talk" or just normal dating?

I realized something very important today about dating!! I have been dating a guy for about 5 weeks, we have seen each other about 2 -3 times per week and we are going on fun dates to see live music, play pool, go to unique places the city has to offer.  We have not had sex....yet!  We have fooled around a few times - to be honest, I have had my top off, but not my bottoms.  But now we were at the point where I wanted to have sex with him....

So, now its time for "The Talk" about my ostomy....and how it saved my life, etc.

But what is interesting is that through our dating I mentioned I have Crohn's and was super sick throughout my 20's, but I have not mentioned anything about a life changing surgery, my medical research/awareness evolvement, etc.  Usually I bring some of this stuff up in conversation to "feel him out."  So in order for me to have "the talk" I have to start from the beginning and explain.

So, here we are...on a date Friday night...and Im waiting for the opportunity to start telling him bout my history...

We ended up going to dinner then to see a band play, and there was never the right opportunity to talk about it. I feel like that conversation needs to be in a more intimate setting (like your living room, or even a quiet coffee shop or bar). To make a long story short, we never had "the talk."  We also didn't end up making out heavy at the end of the night (sometimes I think thats a good opportunity to talk about it as well - just depends on your comfort level).

Ok, so now to the important lesson learned....

the next day he started acting weird, that Sunday he canceled our date last minute. On Mon we met for coffee and I hared my feelings that I was hurt that he canceled on me on sun and didnt say "Sorry" or anything.  He apologized, and I explained, that I understand things happen last minute, but at least apologize to me for the fact that Im sitting there dressed and ready to go and you cancel. Everything seemed fine after and we chatted about other things, then we both left. I never heard from him again - its been a week. THIS IS A NORMAL DATING PROBLEM....and had NOTHING TO DO WITH HAVING AN OSTOMY!!!

However, had I have had "the talk" with him I would have automatically assumed his silence would mean that he couldn't deal with my medical problems and ostomy and he was OUT!  When in actuality his silence is probably because I shared my emotions/feelings and he was just looking for something more casual in a relationship.  Once again, this is normal dating problems!!

Sometimes your single because your single, not because you have an ostomy!!!

XOXO

Have a 3rd date tonight

So, I met a guy that I really like about 3 weeks ago. Even though we talk just about everyday - about life, work, relationships, our families, religion, politics, etc - we have not talked about my health history at all.  He knows that I had some tough times when I was in my 20's, but he doesn't know what that pertains to...yet.  A lot of times, by now, I would have mentioned that I spent my entire 20's in and out of the hospital, had multiple surgeries, and/or just the fact that I have/had Crohn's. BUT I haven't mentioned any of these things to this guy yet!

We have a date tonight.  I really want to invite him over - NOT to sleep with him - but I would like to order pizza, watch a movie, cuddle & make-out. So obviously I need to chat with him about the fact that "Im not ready to have sex, etc."  But I'm also trying to decide if I tell him about my surgeries that resulted in my permanent ostomy tonight or not?!

I will update tomorrow with what happened....

Weed out the assholes upfront!

We really are blessed...we know our medical issues already.  And we have to tell people that we are in a relationship with up front.  Could you imagine falling in love with someone and building a life together and then getting cancer of something and their not bale to deal with it...and they leave you?  I have heard these stories way too many times.  But for me, I have to tell the guy pretty early on in the relationship....if he cant deal with it, then good riddens!  He's not going to stand by my side through the struggles of life anyway.  But the man that accepts it, will go with the flow and deal with anything life throws at us!  And that's who I want!

Please note: I have told many guys about my ostomy...and knock on wood, I have never been "denied."  Who knows ultimately what ended the relationships, but I would put money on the fact that it just has to do with me being a little crazy, bit anything to do with my ostomy :)

I want casual sex!!

I met a guy online and we hit it off.  We kissed after our first time meeting, then went to lunch the next day.  I don’t think he is my future boyfriend...there is something a little odd about this guys. Plus he kind of smelled like my Grandfather (weird, I know).  But he thinks Im hot and I think he’s hot…plus Im 34 and single…Im in my prime! So I started freaking out about “the talk” I needed to have with him before we could get it on! 

I usually wait a while and bring up other topics first (i.e. I mention how I was really sick for such a long time, and how I would have died if I didn’t have this surgery, etc).  But I decided to just tell him. Just spit it out!  I starting getting really shy and couldn’t get it out of my mouth – I was making it worse then it really is….and he started to panic.  Anyway, I finally spit it out – and he was almost relieved. He said, “really?  That’s it?”  Apparently he thought I was going to tell him I used to be a man, or “down there” doesn’t work. LOL

[UPDATE] I didn’t end up sleeping with him. I really didn’t like him that much, I guess I was just in a mood and wanted to have sex…or have the option of having sex.  Anyway, I was so proud of myself that I got “the talk” out of the way.  Practice makes perfect!

Accept it!

If you don’t accept it how will he ever accept it?  If you're self conscience then he’s going to be on edge.  You have to accept that you have an ostomy and not let it define you – be sexy!  Act like its not there…and go for it! 

Security at the airport – body scan and private screening with an ostomy

I was traveling back from Las Vegas to Chicago over the weekend and went through security.  I took my shoes off and put my laptop in the separate bin and waited to go through the new body scanners.  I went in the machine and stood there for 5 seconds with my arms in the air.  Walk out of the machine and waited for the security guy to give me the green light. He didn’t.  He called for a woman security officer.  I went into this little room with all my stuff and two women security officers.  She asked if I had anything in my pockets because the machine picked up “something.”  I explained to her that I had a ostomy and maybe that was what they saw.  She said “maybe” and went into patting me down. It was no big deal, but they do quickly run over just about every part of your body. Then the other woman takes a small white piece of paper and runs it across the inspector lady’s hands.  They go and test the white piece of paper to “make sure you haven’t been playing with anything you shouldn’t be”. A minute later I was released with my stuff and to go put my shoes, jacket, and jewelry back on. And I went on to my gate.

My advise - don't be shy that you have an ostomy in this situation.   Tell them.  I know we have all seen some terrible stories on the news lately.  But just be cool and explain!

She has the perfect body – and she's still self-conscience

My girl friend who has been married for just over 1 year told me that she is not in the mood to have sex with her husband because she has gain some weight and she feels unattractive. I got so mad at her…she is beautiful with a nice flat stomach, long legs, perky boobs…and not a scar on her body.  She knows about my ostomy surgery and was there with me when I was sick with Crohn’s in and out of the hospital and during the adjustment period of having my ostomy.  I told her, “if men still find me sexy naked, then I am damn sure your husband finds you sexy with or without the extra 10 pounds.” 

It just goes to show…even the girls with the bodies we can only dream of having still have self-esteem issues. We are never happy with our bodies…that is just the nature of women and the stress society puts on us.  I vividly remember reading an article about how Jessica Simpson (in the height of her career and in the best physical shape I have seen her in) said that she wasn’t happy with size of her butt.  I knew then and there, it doesn’t matter how skinny you are (or if you have scars, etc), we are never happy with what we look like. 

So don’t be so hard on yourself.  You are who you are…and you can be sexy no matter what!

Clothing/Under Garment Essentials

These are some staples in my closet that make life with an ostomy easier:

Belly band – same as the ones pregnant women use.  I know it is a funny thing to buy when you arent pregnant, but it works. It holds the bag tight again the body, so you can wear tighter clothing without seeing the imprint of the bag. You can also use this not tucked into your pants to look like a layering piece under a shirt. Can also keep on during sex.

Boyshorts – love them.  The placement of my ostomy let’s me put on boyshorts and it covers up the bag so I can forget I have it when I look in the mirror.  I fold the bag in half to fit in my panties.

Tank tops (or layers in general) – I wear a tank under most of my tops (or the belly band).  This adds a layer effect right around the midsection…to distract when the bags starts to fill.  Also good for sexual encounters….take your panties off but leave the tank on (with the ostomy tucked up under the tank). Take the straps off your shoulders and let your boobs out the top…now the tank is wrapped right around your mid section….right where you need to it to be :)

Casual Sex

I have an ostomy, and we haven’t been dating long enough that I feel comfortable telling him.  Ya know, it’s a big long story, and well…I think this guy is hot and I want to sleep with him. So, we started fooling around. He kept trying to take off my pants…so I let him.  I had spandex type of boyshorts on that were covered in a top layer of lace, so he couldn’t see my ostomy at all. But before he started feeling around I told him I had just had surgery on my abdomen and I was self-conscience about what it looked like since it was bandaged up.  We had gone out on a few dates and I had mentioned that I had Crohn’s Disease. I like to tell people on the 1^st or 2^nd date, just to see how familiar they are with it and see what kinds of questions they ask. Anyway, back to the bedroom discussion….He didn’t think anything about the fact that I was self conscience.  He put on a condom and pulled my panties over to the side…and we went at it. 

We casually dated for a few months, and continued sleeping together on occasion (same way as described above).  I knew he wasn’t going to be the “one” so I didn’t even bother telling him…eventually our relationship dwindled.

(By no way am I condoning casual sex…these are just my experience that maybe can help someone!)